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 Only in Texas

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Colt Walker
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PostSubject: Only in Texas   Thu May 27, 2010 10:42 am

TEXAS HAS IT ALL, SO WHY LEAVE IT?

Need to be cheered up?

Happy, Texas
Pep, Texas
Smiley, Texas
Paradise, Texas
Rainbow, Texas
Sweet Home, Texas
Comfort, Texas
Friendship, Texas

Love the Sun?
Sun City, Texas
Sunrise, Texas
Sunset, Texas
Sundown, Texas
Sunray, Texas
Sunny Side, Texas

Want something to eat?
Bacon, Texas
Noodle, Texas
Oatmeal, Texas
Turkey, Texas
Trout, Texas
Sugar Land,Texas
Salty, Texas
Rice, Texas

And top it off with:
Sweetwater, Texas

Why travel to other cities?
Texas has them all!
Detroit , Texas
Colorado City, Texas
Denver City, Texas
Nevada, Texas
Memphis, Texas
Miami, Texas
Boston, Texas
Santa Fe, Texas
Tennessee Colony, Texas
Reno, Texas
San Diego, Texas
Las Vegas, Texas


Feel like traveling outside the country?
Don't bother buying a plane ticket!
Athens , Texas
Canadian , Texas
China , Texas
Egypt , Texas
Turkey , Texas
London , Texas
New London , Texas
Paris , Texas
Naples, Texas
Italy, Texas
Amsterdam, Texas
Liverpool, Texas

No need to travel to Washington D.C
.
Whitehouse, Texas

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth , Texas

And a city named after our State!
Texas City , Texas !

Exhausted?
Energy , Texas

Cold?
Blanket, Texas

Need Office Supplies?
Staples , Texas

Men are from Mars, woman are from
Venus , Texas

You guessed it..it's on the state line..
Texline , Texas

For the kids..
Kermit , Texas
Elmo , Texas
Nemo , Texas
Tarzan , Texas
Winnie , Texas
Sylvester, Texas

Other funny city names in Texas :
Frognot, Texas
Bigfoot, Texas
Hogeye, Texas
Cactus, Texas
Notrees, Texas
Best, Texas
Veribest, Texas
Kickapoo, Texas
Dime Box, Texas
Telephone, Texas
Telegraph, Texas
Whiteface, Texas
Twitty, Texas

And last but not least.
The Anti-Al Gore City
Kilgore , Texas

Have a Good Day!
P.S. Whoops, left out
Cut n Shoot,
Gun Barrell City,
Hoop And Holler,
and Ding Dong.





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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Tue Jun 15, 2010 12:18 pm

tbar
Subject: Texas Facts

Nobody asked for them, but here are some little known Texas facts. I know
ya'll just can't wait to read 'em!

Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles

Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles

El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas

World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4, 1883.

The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built
over water.

The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first
full time coach for Rice University in Houston.

Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North
America.

Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only
remaining
flock of whooping cranes.

Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a
hurricane
in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.

The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."

King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island

Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours
in
and around Alvin in July 1979.

Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by
annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US
flag.)

A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after Dr in Dr
Pepper.

Texas has had six capital cities:
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin

The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than
the Capitol Building in Washington D.C (by 7 feet).

The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends.
Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.

The State animal is the Armadillo. (An interesting bit of trivia about the
armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg which splits
into four and they either have four males or four females.
Well...I thought it was interesting anyway!)

The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

tbar



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PostSubject: Life In Texas--'It Ain't So Bad   Fri Jun 18, 2010 8:07 pm

Life In Texas--'It Ain't So Bad'
Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat
beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands
shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.

"Oh man.... I've been transferred to Texas," the other guy
answered, "there's crazy people in Texas....and they have
shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime rate...."

"Hold on," Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life
and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go
to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a
good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a
moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to
death but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your
word for it. What do you do for a living?"


"Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in
Laredo."
gun

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PostSubject: THAT'S A BIGGUN! ANYWHERE!   Wed Jun 23, 2010 1:00 am


Girls Night Out - Texas Style


Daughter: My friends and I want to go out tonight.

Mother : Where are y'all going?

Daughter: To the cowboy bar on the edge of town.

Mother : I don't think you should. There's been a lot of trouble at that

place. I heard there was a fight there last weekend, and several people got hurt.

Daughter : But mom, please!! It'll be okay.

Mother: No! Your life is more important than going out!

Daughter : But Tina is going with us.

Mother: Oh WELL! In that case, it should be okay.. Y'all have fun!
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|

Now guess which one is Tina?



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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Wed Jun 23, 2010 2:30 pm

So it is true. Everything is bigger in Texas.
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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Thu Jun 24, 2010 8:54 am

The Amazing Texan




A traveling salesman visits Denison, Texas and sees a circus banner reading:
"Don't Miss the Amazing Texan."
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring.
There, in the spot light in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to the table is an old retired cowboy.
Suddenly, the old cowboy unzips his pants, whips out a huge member and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later, the salesman visits Denison, Texas again and sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same:
"Don't Miss the Amazing Texan."
He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his feat, so he buys a ticket.
Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts though, three coconuts are placed on the table.
The Texan stands before the table and then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible," he tells the Texan. "But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the Texan, "my eyes ain`t' what they used to be."



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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Mon Jul 05, 2010 9:10 pm

Texas Crazy Law
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.

You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.

A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

Abilene
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

Austin
Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.

Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.

Borger
It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.

Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.

El Paso
Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."

Houston
Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.

It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

Galveston
It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.

Jasper
Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.

LeFors
It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.

Lubbock County
It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream.

Mesquite
It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Port Arthur
Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.

Richardson
It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street.

It is illegal to do "U Turns".

San Antonio
It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.

It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.

Temple
No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.

You can ride your horse in the saloon.

Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot.

Texarkana
Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.

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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Mon Jul 05, 2010 9:29 pm

Texas Phrases
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving
Translation: Not overly-intelligent.

Tighter than bark on a tree
Translation: Not very generous.

Big hat, no cattle
Translation: All talk and no action.

We've howdied but we ain't shook yet
Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow
Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
Translation: (self-explanatory).

S/He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth
Translation: Talks a lot.

It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs
Translation: We really could use a little rain around here

Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly
Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.

This ain't my first rodeo
Translation: I've been around awhile.

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch
Translation: Not the most handsome of men.

They ate supper before they said grace
Translation: Living in sin.

As full of wind as a corn-eating horse
Translation: Rather prone to boasting.

You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits
Translation: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.
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PostSubject: Proud Texas Father   Thu Jul 08, 2010 10:07 am

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'

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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Thu Jul 08, 2010 10:48 am

A Cowboy's Guide to Life


Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Mon Jul 12, 2010 7:09 pm


A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.




'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.









'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - - out of all of you!'


St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'














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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Thu Jul 15, 2010 6:28 pm

The Code of the West
A Cowboy's Guide to Life by Texas Bix Bender


A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

Ask no more and give no less than honesty, courage, loyalty, generosity, and fairness.

Don't get mad at somebody who knows more 'n you do. It ain't their fault.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Don't let so much reality into your life that there's no room left for dreamin'.

Don't never interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Don't squat with yer spurs on!

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

Go after life as if it's something that's got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

If you want to forget all your troubles, take a little walk in a brand-new pair of high-heeled ridin' boots.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

It don't matter so much how long a ride you have, as how well you ride it.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

Makin' it in life is kinda like bustin' broncs: you're gonna get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep gettin' back on.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder in a cow camp.

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

Never miss a chance to rest your horse.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

No matter who says what, don't believe it if it don't make sense.

Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on your Stetson.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

The wildest critters live in the city!

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Write it in your heart. Stand by the code, and it will stand by you.

You don't need decorated words to make your meanin' clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathin'.






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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Fri Jul 23, 2010 8:10 am

Tall Tales
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Sun Jul 25, 2010 7:39 pm

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says "We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.







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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Sun Jul 25, 2010 8:10 pm




A Californian, a Texan, and a New Yorker, attending a convention in a little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.
The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the New Yorker finished drinking his Manhattan, and threw his glass against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in New York not only were they all are rich from banking and imports, he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Texan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the Californian and the New Yorker. As he was returning the gun to his holster, he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Texas they had so many New Yorkers and Californians that they never had to drink with the same ones twice.










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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Wed Jul 28, 2010 9:44 pm

One Texas Soldier

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Go back go back! don't send any more men, its a trap. There's two Texans!"
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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:11 pm

A Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest He checks the gauges and sees that it's 100 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy. The Texan says, "I really like it here. The temperature is just like Dallas in June."

The devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to fix him, so he goes over and turns up the thermostat to 120 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy. The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Houston in July."

The devil, now really upset, decides to make the Texan really understand that hell is no paradise. He walks over to the controls and turns the heat up to 140 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now let's see what the Texan is up to," he thinks. So he goes looking for the Texan. The devil finds the Texan taking his shirt off basking in the heat, even happier than before. The devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Brownsville in August."

The devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy." He walks over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees below zero. "Now let's see what the Texan has to say about this," the devil thinks to himself. He looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy. "What are you so happy about now," asks the devil. Still excited, the Texan replies, "The Rangers have finally won the World Series!"

homer
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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:42 pm

Matching Golf Clubs


A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.


A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."


"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left.


The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.


"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"


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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:29 pm

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull! With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs… “Your badge. Show him your BADGE!”

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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Sun Aug 01, 2010 8:40 am

Man the badge one got me. Oh man that was funny.
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PostSubject: Re: Only in Texas   Sun Aug 01, 2010 9:18 am

Yeah that was a pretty good one & it's easy to picture it happening too. What a Face



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