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 AUSSIE JOKES

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Emma from Australia
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PostSubject: AUSSIE JOKES    Sat Jul 24, 2010 12:14 pm


Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"He Said, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."








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Emma from Australia
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PostSubject: Re: AUSSIE JOKES    Sat Jul 24, 2010 2:08 pm


An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"








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Aussie Dog 20/20.1
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PostSubject: Re: AUSSIE JOKES    Sun Jul 25, 2010 6:55 pm

um ok the first joke what happens if its the wet season lol, and the second one still thinking lol
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PostSubject: Re: AUSSIE JOKES    Thu Jul 29, 2010 10:31 am

JOHN HOWARD , THANK THE HEAVENS WE HAVEN'T GOT HIM ANYMORE
Darren Lockyer, the Pope, John Howard & a school boy were all on the same plane when the engine failed and started to plummet towards the Earth. They all realised that there was 4 of them & only 3 parachutes. Darren Lockyer got up & said I am a sporting superstar & must live so that I can please my fans & continue my career to beat the Kiwi's & the Poms in the tri- nations series. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. Then John Howard got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever have and I need to live to continue to govern the nation. Then the Pope said to the school boy & said I am old & have lived my life so you should take the last parachute. The school boy replied, no it's ok, the worlds smartest Prime Minister took my school bag so theres one for each of us!
warp
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Emma from Australia
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PostSubject: Re: AUSSIE JOKES    Thu Jul 29, 2010 10:41 am

BEN COUSINS YOU DICKHEAD

Hungry Jacks have brought out a new Ben Cousins Happy meal - you get free ice and coke !




(In March 2007 Aussie rules footballer whose team is sponsored by hamburger chain, is suspended beacause of drug use)
kilroy








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Emma from Australia
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PostSubject: Mad Dog    Thu Jul 29, 2010 10:48 am

THE SECOND JOKES MEANS IRISH ONLY HAVE HALF A BRAIN AND AUSTRALIANS, DON'T HAVE A BRAIN AT ALL lol!


licc








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PostSubject: Re: AUSSIE JOKES    Thu Jul 29, 2010 11:35 am

great now i know why i wake up like a zombie at 4am thks for the answer


GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


LIONSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
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Emma from Australia
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PostSubject: Re: AUSSIE JOKES    Thu Jul 29, 2010 3:28 pm

What are the differences between Aussies, Brits, Americans and Canadians
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.


Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.


Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!


Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.


Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.


Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.






fireline











Last edited by Belle on Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:48 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Emma from Australia
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PostSubject: Re: AUSSIE JOKES    Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:27 pm

BLOODY TYPICAL


Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

hearts








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PostSubject: Re: AUSSIE JOKES    Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:30 pm

haha oh that is so true belle but shouldnt be 4 in the beer not 3 think about it
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PostSubject: Re: AUSSIE JOKES    Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:59 pm

BEER WORKS LMAO

25 Reasons why beer is better than women

1 - You can enjoy a beer all month long

2 - Beer stains wash out

3 - You don't have to wine and dine a beer

4 - Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football

5 - When your beer goes flat you toss it out and get another one

6 - Beer is never late

7 - A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer

8 - Hangovers go away

9 - Beer labels come off without a fight

10 - When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer

11 - Beer never has a headache

12 - After you're finished with a beer the bottle is still worth five cents

13 - A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer

14 - If you pour a beer right you'll always get good head

16 - A beer always goes down easy

17 - You can always share a beer with friends

18 - You know you're always the first one to pop a beer

19 - Beer is always wet

20 - Beer doesn't demand equality

21 - You can have a beer in public

22 - A beer doesn't care what time you come home

23 - A frigid beer is a good beer

24 - You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good

25 - If you change beers you don't have to pay maintenance


cgirl

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PostSubject: Re: AUSSIE JOKES    Sun Aug 01, 2010 8:39 am

100% agree great post. And you can put the cap back on and hear nothing too.
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PostSubject: Re: AUSSIE JOKES    Wed Aug 04, 2010 6:39 am

FOR ALL YOU NON AUSSIES THIS IS WHAT THE MANLY FERRY IS

Manly ferry services connect the suburb of Manly, New South Wales with Circular Quay by commuter ferry. The services are provided by Sydney Ferries Corporation, an agency of the Government of New South Wales. The route is coloured light blue on the current Sydney Ferries network map. Vessels in the Freshwater class generally operate these services. The Sydney Ferries JetCat was discontinued on 31 December 2008 and replaced with a privately owned service operated by Manly Fast Ferries.[1] In March 2010, the government announced that that Manly Fast Ferries contract had not been renewed and had been replaced by another private operator (Sydney Fast Ferries).[2] The two operators are now competing side by side, with Manly Fast Ferries docking at the nearby Manly Hotel Wharf.


A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he jokingly asked. "Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me." The girl, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation. The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and, and.......he's screwing me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked
his face and he replied; "He sure is darlin', this is the Manly Ferry!


bell1









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PostSubject: Re: AUSSIE JOKES    Sun Aug 15, 2010 4:35 pm

A Aussie Boy , Joins The Navy





A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.

"But dad, how will I know?"

"Trust me son, you will know.

After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand.

"Well son,how did it go?"

"Dad, I found out what you ment about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."

"But how could you tell he was gay?"

"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling "THROW ME A BOUY, THROW ME A BOUY"










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PostSubject: We Sure Are Good !!!   Wed Aug 25, 2010 8:18 pm

Yep , This Is A Fact


A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!

hearts hearts








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